So because my employer is evil and sadistic, we can no longer access Pandora at work. Gmail, Gchat, Myspace, Facebook – all fine, clearly motivating us to take pricing strategies to a new level…but listening to music – that will take us right to Obama’s feet, begging for a bailout. Absurd, right? Clearly it’s better and more productive for us to hear our cube neighbor fighting with his wife over who is picking up the takeout (he loses a disproportionate number of times I must say) or to get the complete play-by-play on our well-fed secretary’s recent “first date” with her ex-husband (yes, the logic there confuses me as well. Due to the risk of hearing more about the bedroom activities, I chose not to ask further questions) than to peacefully listen to our Bangin 90s mix on Pandora.

This cruel twist of fate led me and most of residents of the 11th floor cube farm to Jango. Jango is similar to Pandora, except that it doesn’t work as well. For instance, I chose Bruce Springsteen as my channel artist and got ABBA. Now, I love my Mamma Mia as much as anyone, but I really don’t see the correlation. Jango also introduced me to the song “I Hope Heaven has Myspace.” Their next hit single is entitled “I Wish My Work had Pandora So I Wouldn’t Have to Hear Crap like ‘I Hope Heaven Has Myspace.’” (Their record label TOLD them to shorten the title length – no dice). So after weeks of tinkering, I finally got a channel that generally plays enjoyable songs. I say generally with some emphasis, as it led to Rod Stewart’s “Reason to Believe”. While trying to decide whether I should be embarrassed to know the words to (and almost enjoy) this song, I took a quick look at the cover art for the song and nearly died.

Really? That was the best picture he could come up with? Thinking that surely there was something better out there, and that maybe this was a joke, I Googled it[1]. I had no idea what a treasure trove of images there were. I also did not know it was possible to look SO ABSURD in every single one. Seriously. If the striped speedo with matching tank top weren’t enough, the massive quantities of blond hair should do it. Please, for everyone’s benefit, many of these looks should be illegal:

http://images.google.com/images?rls=gm&hl=en&q=rod+stewart&gbv=2&aq=0s&oq=rod+stwe

[1] See prior post regarding fondness for Googling.

Google is amazing. I google everything. I’m that person that if any type of question comes up, 10 seconds later I will have googled the answer. It doesn’t matter if it is to pull up pictures of donovanosis (Shna, another STD to be paranoid about), or to prove someone wrong about whether John Orr was an arsonist, arson investigator, or both. He was both. Well, I guess I can thank Wiki for that.

That said, there are certain things that Google simply does not and cannot answer. Upon typing in “How to” in Google, Google gives you some interesting suggestions that are often searched.

Here are the top three:
1. How to Tie a Tie – Yes, you can learn this from google. Or you can get your roommate to do it for you.
2. How to Kiss – Debatable. I feel like this is more a learn by experience. No, experience does not include making out with your hand.
3. How to Get Pregnant – I find it interesting that “How to not get pregnant” isn’t on the list. Google has replaced the birds and the bees.


Next, upon typing in “How to be,” Google’s top three suggestions are as follows:

1. How to Become a Vampire – Really America? First of all, we all know you have to be a preggers dying Bella to become one. Oops *spoiler.* Is this a result of girls telling their boyfriends to become an Edward? Is it the eternal life? The youth? I’m sorry my friends, but I don’t see it in your future. Speaking of vampires, when typing in “How to meet," “How to meet Robert Pattinson” comes up first. Another thing I don’t think google will help you with. But if you do happen to meet him, let me know.
2. How to be Happy – Dr. Phil may not agree, but I doubt Google is helping you into eternal bliss. My advice would be go get drunk for, albeit temporary, mind numbing bliss. When drunk, google “how to not get pregnant,” so you don’t awake REALLY unhappy.
3. How to be Anorexic – While I would like to know the secret to stopping eating myself, 1. You know all these entries are going to be filled with people advising against become anorexic and 2. If you want to be anorexic, DON’T EAT. DON’T EAT EVER. And don’t bother being my friend, as I have trouble with relationships that don’t revolve around eating and/or drinking.

This led me to…

The keyboard. What is with this setup? We all know how QWERTY originated in order to lessen the chance of a paper jam back in the days of the typewriter. That’s Trivia 101. We also are used to QWERTY, and just like the genius of Fahrenheit and Lbs and Bushels, it isn’t going anywhere. However, why do I have to press shift for the question mark? When the keyboard was made (pre-internet time), it was complete idiocy to think the backslash would be used more often than the question mark. It is also really too bad the ampersand isn’t more convenient. I would like to start a movement to bring back the ampersand. Poor underappreciated logogram. If you were a logogram, what would you be?

The Function keys should have little light up labels showing their functions at all times. I never really use them, but I know they have useful functions. And I’m scared to press them because that function may just be too powerful.

There should be a separate keyboard for excel users (why do I have to go so far away to press the equals sign?) There should also be a separate keyboard for teenage girls with lots of one button smileys and non-shift exclamation points. Maybe even an “OMG” key. That is, teenage girls and Boner (it’s endearing, really).

Also, while typing this entry up in Microsoft Word 2007, another thought occurred to me. Has Microsoft Word EVER automatically given anyone the indents and spacing they so desired when typing something up?