Levels of Commitment in the Modern Relationship

Dante had his nine levels of hell, Scheherazade had 1000 tales, and 46me has the 10 levels of commitment and adoration in today’s relationships. It’s a crazy world out there (just ask Dish about the bar-dating-scene) but there are a few tried-and-true steps to the top.

Here is the first test - you both wake up, and he requests juice. If you refuse to get him some, you have not made it to level 1. Of course, you can skip all steps by being sparkly, cold, and really really ridiculously good looking. Or by being best friends with the King of England.

In the unfortunate case that you were not blessed enough to wake up next to one of the fine gentlemen described above, yet you passed the juice taste, you begin the ascent.

Step 1. You enter his name into your phone as something other than “do not answer”

Step 2. You are willing to be seen in public together, even when sober

Step 3. You introduce him to your roommate by his real name, not “Yankees Hat”/”1990”/”Alley”

Step 4. You embark on the Appalachian Trail[1] as a committed, dedicated hiker

Step 5. You allow him to take the middle of the bed, all of the blankets, or the best pillow

Step 6. You tolerate his disparaging comments about Elliott Stabler and/or reading Harry Potter at age 25

Step 7. You consider him your go-to when needing a ride from the airport. He obliges without complaint even when his team is playing

Step 8. You consider bringing him to your college Alumni Weekend or any team function, thus dubbing him a “winner” and subjecting him to hours of awkward outsider-ness

Step 9. You give him something other than a “Budweiser is red, Miller Lite is blue…” homemade valentine for Valentine’s Day.

Step 10. You go on a legit romantic getaway, sans former teammates, roommates, or assorted randoms, and skip off into the sunset!

Of course, there are a few things to remember, you should never fall in love on spring break, on the jersey shore, or at a family reunion.

Happy New Year! Let’s go hiking!

[1] Thanks to Mark Sanford’s publicist and Dave Barry’s Year Wrap Up for this EXCELLENT euphemism for hook ups. Now that we have given you credit, when spreading this euphemism far and wide, we will not correct people when they assume we came up with it.