Monday, Monday

Some of us at 46me had a rough weekend. Some of us made our Australian friends wear our red jackets, dubbed them British Redcoats, then chanted a Paul Revere-esque "The British are coming, the British are coming!" Some of us went to bed with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon. Some of us texted incessantly, inappropriately, and incoherently til all hours of the morning, when one of us decided to just give up and call.

With that in mind, 46me presents a rough calculation of the time allocation of our Monday mornings. It's amazing that we're both still employed.

46me Learns New Uses for Excel

Both members of 46me spend enormous amounts of time in Microsoft Excel everyday, staring at millions of numbers that determine when people die and control the wealth of entire nations (not usually at the same time).

However, recently we stumbled across some amusing graphs on graphjam.com and, of course, felt the need to add our own brilliance. More to come as we continue to explore all of the pretty colors available.

Levels of Commitment in the Modern Relationship

Dante had his nine levels of hell, Scheherazade had 1000 tales, and 46me has the 10 levels of commitment and adoration in today’s relationships. It’s a crazy world out there (just ask Dish about the bar-dating-scene) but there are a few tried-and-true steps to the top.

Here is the first test - you both wake up, and he requests juice. If you refuse to get him some, you have not made it to level 1. Of course, you can skip all steps by being sparkly, cold, and really really ridiculously good looking. Or by being best friends with the King of England.

In the unfortunate case that you were not blessed enough to wake up next to one of the fine gentlemen described above, yet you passed the juice taste, you begin the ascent.

Step 1. You enter his name into your phone as something other than “do not answer”

Step 2. You are willing to be seen in public together, even when sober

Step 3. You introduce him to your roommate by his real name, not “Yankees Hat”/”1990”/”Alley”

Step 4. You embark on the Appalachian Trail[1] as a committed, dedicated hiker

Step 5. You allow him to take the middle of the bed, all of the blankets, or the best pillow

Step 6. You tolerate his disparaging comments about Elliott Stabler and/or reading Harry Potter at age 25

Step 7. You consider him your go-to when needing a ride from the airport. He obliges without complaint even when his team is playing

Step 8. You consider bringing him to your college Alumni Weekend or any team function, thus dubbing him a “winner” and subjecting him to hours of awkward outsider-ness

Step 9. You give him something other than a “Budweiser is red, Miller Lite is blue…” homemade valentine for Valentine’s Day.

Step 10. You go on a legit romantic getaway, sans former teammates, roommates, or assorted randoms, and skip off into the sunset!

Of course, there are a few things to remember, you should never fall in love on spring break, on the jersey shore, or at a family reunion.

Happy New Year! Let’s go hiking!

[1] Thanks to Mark Sanford’s publicist and Dave Barry’s Year Wrap Up for this EXCELLENT euphemism for hook ups. Now that we have given you credit, when spreading this euphemism far and wide, we will not correct people when they assume we came up with it.

So because my employer is evil and sadistic, we can no longer access Pandora at work. Gmail, Gchat, Myspace, Facebook – all fine, clearly motivating us to take pricing strategies to a new level…but listening to music – that will take us right to Obama’s feet, begging for a bailout. Absurd, right? Clearly it’s better and more productive for us to hear our cube neighbor fighting with his wife over who is picking up the takeout (he loses a disproportionate number of times I must say) or to get the complete play-by-play on our well-fed secretary’s recent “first date” with her ex-husband (yes, the logic there confuses me as well. Due to the risk of hearing more about the bedroom activities, I chose not to ask further questions) than to peacefully listen to our Bangin 90s mix on Pandora.

This cruel twist of fate led me and most of residents of the 11th floor cube farm to Jango. Jango is similar to Pandora, except that it doesn’t work as well. For instance, I chose Bruce Springsteen as my channel artist and got ABBA. Now, I love my Mamma Mia as much as anyone, but I really don’t see the correlation. Jango also introduced me to the song “I Hope Heaven has Myspace.” Their next hit single is entitled “I Wish My Work had Pandora So I Wouldn’t Have to Hear Crap like ‘I Hope Heaven Has Myspace.’” (Their record label TOLD them to shorten the title length – no dice). So after weeks of tinkering, I finally got a channel that generally plays enjoyable songs. I say generally with some emphasis, as it led to Rod Stewart’s “Reason to Believe”. While trying to decide whether I should be embarrassed to know the words to (and almost enjoy) this song, I took a quick look at the cover art for the song and nearly died.

Really? That was the best picture he could come up with? Thinking that surely there was something better out there, and that maybe this was a joke, I Googled it[1]. I had no idea what a treasure trove of images there were. I also did not know it was possible to look SO ABSURD in every single one. Seriously. If the striped speedo with matching tank top weren’t enough, the massive quantities of blond hair should do it. Please, for everyone’s benefit, many of these looks should be illegal:

http://images.google.com/images?rls=gm&hl=en&q=rod+stewart&gbv=2&aq=0s&oq=rod+stwe

[1] See prior post regarding fondness for Googling.

Google is amazing. I google everything. I’m that person that if any type of question comes up, 10 seconds later I will have googled the answer. It doesn’t matter if it is to pull up pictures of donovanosis (Shna, another STD to be paranoid about), or to prove someone wrong about whether John Orr was an arsonist, arson investigator, or both. He was both. Well, I guess I can thank Wiki for that.

That said, there are certain things that Google simply does not and cannot answer. Upon typing in “How to” in Google, Google gives you some interesting suggestions that are often searched.

Here are the top three:
1. How to Tie a Tie – Yes, you can learn this from google. Or you can get your roommate to do it for you.
2. How to Kiss – Debatable. I feel like this is more a learn by experience. No, experience does not include making out with your hand.
3. How to Get Pregnant – I find it interesting that “How to not get pregnant” isn’t on the list. Google has replaced the birds and the bees.


Next, upon typing in “How to be,” Google’s top three suggestions are as follows:

1. How to Become a Vampire – Really America? First of all, we all know you have to be a preggers dying Bella to become one. Oops *spoiler.* Is this a result of girls telling their boyfriends to become an Edward? Is it the eternal life? The youth? I’m sorry my friends, but I don’t see it in your future. Speaking of vampires, when typing in “How to meet," “How to meet Robert Pattinson” comes up first. Another thing I don’t think google will help you with. But if you do happen to meet him, let me know.
2. How to be Happy – Dr. Phil may not agree, but I doubt Google is helping you into eternal bliss. My advice would be go get drunk for, albeit temporary, mind numbing bliss. When drunk, google “how to not get pregnant,” so you don’t awake REALLY unhappy.
3. How to be Anorexic – While I would like to know the secret to stopping eating myself, 1. You know all these entries are going to be filled with people advising against become anorexic and 2. If you want to be anorexic, DON’T EAT. DON’T EAT EVER. And don’t bother being my friend, as I have trouble with relationships that don’t revolve around eating and/or drinking.

This led me to…

The keyboard. What is with this setup? We all know how QWERTY originated in order to lessen the chance of a paper jam back in the days of the typewriter. That’s Trivia 101. We also are used to QWERTY, and just like the genius of Fahrenheit and Lbs and Bushels, it isn’t going anywhere. However, why do I have to press shift for the question mark? When the keyboard was made (pre-internet time), it was complete idiocy to think the backslash would be used more often than the question mark. It is also really too bad the ampersand isn’t more convenient. I would like to start a movement to bring back the ampersand. Poor underappreciated logogram. If you were a logogram, what would you be?

The Function keys should have little light up labels showing their functions at all times. I never really use them, but I know they have useful functions. And I’m scared to press them because that function may just be too powerful.

There should be a separate keyboard for excel users (why do I have to go so far away to press the equals sign?) There should also be a separate keyboard for teenage girls with lots of one button smileys and non-shift exclamation points. Maybe even an “OMG” key. That is, teenage girls and Boner (it’s endearing, really).

Also, while typing this entry up in Microsoft Word 2007, another thought occurred to me. Has Microsoft Word EVER automatically given anyone the indents and spacing they so desired when typing something up?

So the whole Greek Week thing kinda fell flat. I’m not too worried – after all, the civilization basically died out anyway, right?

Anyway, onto a few things that have been concerning 46 lately:

-Unlocked public restroom doors. The bathroom at our office has doors that lock to show a little “occupied” sign when someone is in the stall. Convenient, right? Not so much when people don’t lock the door. Please explain to me how it is difficult to spend the 1.37 seconds necessary to flip the lock.

-Stolen airline and electric wheelchairs on the streets of Atlanta. The quantity of electric wheelchairs being used by generally able-bodied people in this city is truly amazing. However, let’s not assume that said person is using it on the sidewalk. No, no, much more fun to sit in the middle of the intersection at rush hour while yelling at the buses that honk at you. My favorite, though, is the ones that still say Airtran on the back with the huge red pole. Wow, I wonder where you picked that one up.

-Swine flu. I suppose that if I had to get a flu associated with an animal group, I’d prefer swine over avian. However, I’m still not sure that we really need an entire world walking around with those masks on. Especially not before Cinco de Mayo – margaritas definitely get caught in the fibers, I’ve noticed.

-Oregon Trail. Can we get an online version to play at work? I want to be a banker from Connecticut who decides to float the river just before dying of cholera, all while keeping an excel spreadsheet open, just in case.

-Textsfromlastnight.com. Between this site, FML, and Facebook walls, we’re being inundated with ways to do a public walk of shame. What happened to a good old oversized hooded sweatshirt with heels in hand as an announcement of your poor decision making?

That's all for now. Check back as 46me learns how to use Twitter.

46me-poulous takes on the Greeks

The Parthenon. The Olympics. Hummus. Pi Beta Phi. Feta Cheese. That ABC show that nobody watches. Those goofy strappy sandals that all the girls were wearing last summer. The Greeks have gifted the world with many unforgettable traditions. In the spirit of honoring these contributions, 46me brings you Greek Week 2009. We will share our take on several of these areas. While not required, we do recommend the wearing of a toga while reading. A chalice of Busch Light doesn't hurt either.

First up: MATHEMATICS. While 2ge+her made Newton-sized leaps in calculus with u + me = US, the Greeks really started the ball rolling. Actually, it was Sisyphus who couldn't stop that ball from rolling, but that's another story. Here is what there needs to be more of in this world, and those unfortunate things that we could do with less of.

More

Cross-decade hookups
The 90s are the new 80s. 18 is the new 21. Think of it as bridging the generation gap.

Eating Sunday morning breakfast on freshman campus as an alum.
The best way to meet the future of your alma mater.

Pictures, stories, and slideshows of Coach.
Because you can never get enough of those eyebrows, tan-lines, and cotton shorts.

Steelers Super Bowls.*
Terrible Towel Nation.

Infomercial All-Star Combinations.
Imagine if we could get the Snuggie, the Silver Sonic XL, and a Big City Slider Station all with just one call to Billy Mays and three EASY payments! We could stay warm while hearing what others were saying about our mini-burgers! God, the potential.

Use of the term "leverage" in business situations
Depending on your industry, this noun/verb means everything from "equity" to "steal" to "mechanical advantage gained by using a lever on a fulcrum". Talk about an easily leveraged word.

Betting cases of beer on anything and everything.
It’s a win-win situation, plus it provides such excitement in the liquor store when you remember why your friend is paying for your booze.

Valentines.
What better way to say “I like to laugh at your expense” than through a pink, glittery heart-shaped poem mocking someone’s worst romantic encounter?


Less

Spiking shot glasses that you didn't even take shots from.
If you're going to be destructive and get kicked out of bars, at least get drunk doing so. For more information, contact Jay/Jake.

Australian copycats.
First Sully Lite. What's next? Australian Idol? Oh, wait... http://www.australianidol.com.au/

Gerbils, and/or other small rodent-like pets.
Although the humor potential of animals in plastic balls is fairly endless.

Wildfires.
Smokey the Bear has been saying it forever: only I can prevent them. Oops.

Top 10 basketball teams storming the court after beating another Top 10 team.
What's that phrase? Fake it til you make it? Yeah…let’s work on that.

Monday morning meetings where colleagues expect valid contributions.

Actually, while we’re at it, let’s add the term ‘colleagues’ to the list.


Stay tuned in coming days for the 46me take on Mythology, Philosophy, Religion, and Sciences.

*Please note that this view is not particularly shared by both co-authors of this work. To this point, the ideas expressed on 46me are not necessarily always shared by both contributors. Unfortunately in the case at hand, there are some pathetic Eagles fans who haven’t seen the light.